I have bipolar disorder.
Posted on November 10th, 2015 by Taylor Karras
It’s no secret I have burned many bridges; some of them reasonably, some of them unreasonably… Well, I discovered from my doctor that I have bipolar disorder and well; I don’t know how to take it. Much of my behavior has been because of this thing that I didn’t even know I had. It’s sort of like one King of the Hill episode except my ups and downs often last for months on end, plus I have odd reactions to many medications due to the autism… About that, my autism is only mild apparently and I don’t know… I feel something now for the severely autistic people who can’t even speak properly, do basic things and/or have unstable behavior conditions. Those people really need the cure; for me, it just feels like I’ve been skirting the world of disability for years.
I’ve gotten free bus passes (which have been helpful), cut the lines at rides when I was a kid and well… gotten special treatment. I don’t know if any of that was warranted but there was a reason I felt uncomfortable around other autistics; cause I wasn’t really one of them. I just felt like I was in a different universe and it felt very distant and twisted; I’m not even on the wavelength of these people, all I do is somewhat stem and get into imaginative situations in my head.
I do not know what to do to cure this bipolar disorder but I do know one thing… I am rethinking my decisions and my future decisions because well; they’re probably incorrect. I am socially awkward but only because I did not gain the experience from the people, all I lead was an isolated life doing dumb shit on the internet; real life would of been a better outlet mainly because the consequences are more heavier and realistic. All you really get on the internet is a banishment which doesn’t really reflect on real life. Sure, people on the internet see you like you’re some sort of menace but you don’t really learn anything on the internet if you get into communities. All you get is pointless in-jokes and different communication structures that don’t even apply in real life.
I can’t even think of stuff to say in real life because I simply don’t have the experience. I have internet experience but as I realize, that is pointless and stupid. People who focus on animated kids shows and form communities around that. People who focus on internet as a culture; that has no bearing in the real world despite almost everybody using the internet at this point. I was one of those people but then I realize it’s not worth it to focus on something that was clearly dead and was not going anywhere and had no opportunities. I was mocked for it, rightly deserved. I still think it’s good and it might be good to talk about it but hey, nobody else was talking about it and nobody knew what it was so there it went. I don’t even live that lifestyle anymore.
Anyways, I’m going to always be in the position where I do something stupid like call somebody’s parents just to act on some decision that wasn’t even right. I don’t know if what I did was right mainly because other people’s reactions make me think otherwise but there’s something I’m missing in the bigger picture. There’s a revenge-Wikipedia article around saying that I’m some retard who runs in front of cars and shouldn’t rap because I’m white; it may of happened but you do realize the speed of a car and the impact it could have if it hits you. I realize the danger of strangers, the dangers of unfamiliar environments and the dangers of jaywalking. Why do people do it, because it’s convenient but I don’t see those people being critiqued; only me because I have a mental disability.
One thing’s for sure. I don’t know if I’ll be ever to cure this bipolar disorder. There’ll be times when I’m sad and there’ll be times when I’m happy and there’ll be times when I’m paranoid; only thing to do is make music, haven’t even been on an online forum in like; months mainly because I’ll mess it up again. Still, is it me or is it the other people that need to change… I’m asking this because there are people who take advantage of me, again I don’t have the social skills or the experience needed and well, it’s a massive hindrance. I really need to be less shy and more engaging…
I also need to be less of a slacker. I am one of those people who claim to know something only to know nothing; I’m like the 8 year old who hates homework because it’s hard or the 20 year old who feels contempt with his life but could do much more but doesn’t because it’s hard. Planning is hard and doesn’t always work right. Getting a job with no experience is hard. Everything is hard. Life is like a movie, you’re just subservient to the plot and there’s nothing you can do about it; everybody has their place and you’re destined to find it unexpectedly. I may not be huge in hip-hop nor freestyle exceptionally or do more stuff with my hands but hey, I’m destined to be a micro-celebrity.
As for the pills, I don’t know if any of them will work; the Abilify I’m taking doesn’t work much and again, it’s an up and down that’s unexpected and my body chemistry ain’t really all that. I really hope to not let you down and not to have a past that’s regrettable and stupid on the internet cause this bipolar disorder is definitely going to get in the way.| No Comments »
How to make it despite the lack of presence…
Posted on October 22nd, 2015 by Taylor Karras
Well at least that’s what I ask myself…, I have not made any effort in getting good photos of my concerts or having people record me perform. In fact I only have two videos of me during open mic and that one place is where people know me all the time. I don’t deny it, I have considerable talent; I may not be consistent or perfect (as evident by my mistakes) and I might of spent too much time on pointless things but hey, at least I’m still young.
I’m disenchanted by websites that have to make me pay in order to play (I’m talking to you multiple blogs) and I’m disenchanted by the services offered for musicians. Google is supposed to be the source to help you yet when you put in “inland empire hip-hop”, all you get is JooseBox.com which seems to be the only source out there for IE hip-hop. I can’t find a local Hit-Boy concert nor anything that isn’t an underground hip-hop event. I’ve read that people used to connect on the street and sell CD’s on the streets. That’s how the artists met each other… It’s very hard to connect when the music in the scene is traditional music and high schools are pristine and rich. If you take one look on the street, I guarantee you will not find a rapper walking out trying to promote his music.
The Herbalistics, Brett As Is & JooseBox are the only websites/group promoting IE hip-hop through events and postings; I’ve been to a couple of concerts yet I can’t find out who’s beneficial or who’s basing their fanbase off of The Herbalistics or Brett As Is. If IE hip-hop is about jumping on the bandwagon of someone recognizable then it’s no wonder there’s few IE rappers. I don’t know about the OC rap scene; I consider much of OC my stomping grounds since I grew up there and still want to promote/create the scene of the Orange County rap scene no matter how isolated it may appear.
Which brings me to this point. It appears in order to get booked you have to have some sort of manager (because doing it yourself without any experience is hard; may take a music business class.) and even those are hard to find, you have to pay $175/year in order to find the perfect manager who may not help you at all. I mean face it, if you pay money on Fiverr for song promotion and then have the songs posted on a few sites then you’ve wasted your money; in fact the only thing that may make sense is GigSalad because that can gain you performing experience which basically amounts to your resume.
In a few words or less: everybody seems to care about their companies bottom line then the artists.
So what do I do? Well I produce, I used to have deals where I gave people comparable professional music for $5 but nobody bit, neither did people bite for the $5 raps. So I have a large category of 10 albums (soon to be 12) from which I can curate songs in case I gain a fanbase/go on tour/become famous. Since the events are far and few inbetween, the only thing for me to do is to read websites (mostly gossip and entertainment news), produce albums, lay down my raps, learn how to promote my albums for a minimal amount of money and hope I can find a way to do events for the OC rap scene.
That’s all I can do.
With the internet, it’s numerous and without the backdrops you need. All you can do is photo manipulate, video manipulate, make things to the best of your ability and hope things work out. At least that’s what the surface is; there are so many people that I’m lucky to reach 100 song listens for my serious work.
So my advice to you, keep producing… You’ll never know when you need the reserve; at least that’s how I make it.| No Comments »
My website Two-point-O.
Posted on October 16th, 2015 by Taylor Karras
Well… This is like the 3rd time I relaunched this website; coming off the feat of a failed podcasting network and several burned bridges it’s been tough but well, I need a web presence and this is it. It may be the home for long form blog posts and behind-the-scenes content; I admit, this rap stuff is hard but I’m trying very hard to find a way to make this work.
This website only contains the relevant info; where to follow me, where to get the music and where to contact me; there may be more along the way but I don’t know if I truly need more than just a WordPress blog; we’re reaching a point where everything can be done without the need of a single website and it should make things easier but it doesn’t… In fact it’s the same as it’s always been.
I realize the Inland Empire is not the best place for hip-hop since there are many hip-hop heads, fans and artists but I’m trying to make it work from where I’m located. If anybody’s from the IE who knows what’s going on, hit me up.| No Comments »