I’ve tried to find stuff to blog about but I can’t seem to find anything to give my unique opinion on; case in point I’m feeling the creative burn. All the opinions I’ve made seems to come from a time where everything that was going on was inspiring but this time; I’m not finding much to blog about… 2011 has been a dull year and it looks like 2012 is going to be much of the same; hell, 4 months have already passed without me noticing it. I’m treating this money like a money drain, I’m spending money on a blog with all of my opinions that barely anybody reads; well I guess I can keep the stuff that I create on here but still, it’s like a money drain. Every three months, I pay to keep it up, every year, I pay to keep the domain; it’s that simple.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with the blog, maybe I’ll transition it to a place where I’ll write essays (since I haven’t done many of those) who knows; all I know is that I’m not feeling the blogging spirit anymore and that I’ve mostly moved on to other projects, many of which you may know. Who knows, I may finish that article, start posting more, finally do something with the blog like transition it into the dream website I’ve always had, update the site so that it takes advantage of the new features but for now, I’m mostly inactive on my own blog and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to shut it down but I don’t want to leave it inactive; for those of you still reading, keep in there, I’m not exactly dead yet but I am in a funk I can’t seem to break right now.

Yeah… “Estimated funds availability^*“, It seems like eBay has finally gotten so many complaints about fraudulent buyers/board members complaining about how eBay Buyer Protection is costing them money by the second that they decided to implement this in an attempt to provoke “successful fulfillment”… What? How does eBay think this will provoke “successful fulfillment?” All this does is make people want to leave eBay for other places, I mean seriously; whatever happened to trust? You mean to tell me that the times that I fulfilled the obligations successfully didn’t count? I’ve been doing this since 2010, I’ve shipped mostly on the day the buyer paid up front, I’ve been known to be honest in my descriptions, I’ve been known to communicate with my buyers whenever there’s a problem. So what is it with eBay treating me like I’m a first time seller and giving me restrictions that I worked hard to lift? Did they implement this months earlier, did they implement this today and I didn’t get a message about it? Well, disregarding the date it was implemented, it’s obvious that it’s a bad idea.

I mean let’s go to what they require for them to lift the “Estimated funds avaliability^*“.

• It’s been more than 90 days since your first successful sale;
• You’ve had more than 25 sales transactions; and
• You’ve had more than $250 in total sales.

Okay, it’s been 90 days since my first successful sale; maybe I’ve had about $250 in total sales but I don’t know if I had more then 25 sales transactions; point is, how is anybody who casually uses eBay able to live with this bullshit? I mean not everybody is here to set up a store, not everybody is a hardcore eBay user and not everybody is willing to wait 2-3 weeks for your money; some people need the money now and those people may be honest people who are willing to fulfill their obligations. I mean in two to three weeks, what happens if they don’t get their money by then… I admit, there are some people who are willing to scam people for a quick but but I feel like this situation can be fixed by eBay actually enforcing their rules instead of just implementing this weak ass quick fix; I mean billions of people wouldn’t be scammed if eBay just got off their lazy ass and enforce eBay. I mean why should we casual eBay users have to suffer just because eBay is incapable of enforcing their site? We’re not scammers, we’re honest decent people, why should we be put in the same group and be subject to very strict regulations that require us to meet these requirements in order to lift the restrictions? Answer me that eBay. Speaking of which, let’s see what’s under the asterisk…

Yes, you read it right. “^*The estimated funds availability date may change because of eBay or PayPal policies.” As if things couldn’t get any worse; I mean I have to worry about whether or not eBay or PayPal policies could affect the delivery funds; and as everybody knows, dealing with eBay and PayPal can be particularly picky due to the strict amount of policies and horrible communication that they have; I mean I once opened a PayPal case with a seller of an item who’s item didn’t exactly arrive; it took me alot of weeks of phone calls to PayPal in order for me to get my money back and the case resolved. Adding to that is the reasons which eBay specifies why your payment can be delayed; with reasons such as “not meeting the minimum performance standard required of all eBay sellers.” and “a higher then normal level of risk associated with this transaction or with your account.” What? You mean to tell me that I need to meet a minimum performance standard? But I already fulfilled the obligations, shipped the packages within one day and have reasonable community; you mean to tell me that all of that doesn’t count?!?! It seems like that if you want it to count then buyers have to leave feedback to you and since barely anybody does that (maybe “don’t forget to leave feedback.” should be fucking blinking?) I have a lower then expected performance standard then I would have if people left feedback… Maybe they should take into factors other then feedback?

And what is it with high-risk… I mean “a sudden spike of eBay Buyer Protection cases/PayPal disputes or claims” can mean anything, especially since a user account can fraudulently create cases and therefore fraudulently create risk. Not everybody is honest you know, and there are ways of gaming the eBay system, this is just a malicious way of doing it that doesn’t seem to benefit the users who legitimately file eBay Buyer Protection cases/PayPal disputes or claims and the people who work hard to ensure that everybody who uses eBay is happy; and even if it’s proven as fraudulent, it’s not going to get resolved instantly; no, it’s going to take a few days because eBay/PayPal will have some policies that they have to fulfill before they give you back your full rights you had before the case. Also… “unusual selling activity, items with an exceptionally high selling price, or sales in a new category or a category such as tickets, travel, or gift certificates” I can understand the new category thing (still think that eBay should at least do the trust thing.) but what constitutes as unusual selling activity or items with an exceptionally high selling price. I mean for all I know I could be selling the item at the appropriate price and I could be selling the way I usually sell, how can PayPal know what constitutes as unusual or exceptionally high?

You know the argument that’s been going on about what constitutes as copyright violations or fair use, same arguments apply here. The line between that isn’t exactly as clear as crystal just as much as the line between whether or not what they consider as unusual selling is considered usual to us, therefore PayPal/eBay can decide to lengthen the time before we get our funds due to what they perceive to be unusual selling or high-risk (that is to us usual or normal-risk) and there’d be little to nothing we can do about it because they’re the ones who control everything and well, with the way they handle disputes; it’ll likely take you many moons before you can ever get your point across and even if we manage to prove our points to eBay/PayPal; they’ll still restrict our funds because we still fit their definition of unusual selling/high-risk selling; I mean whatever happened to proof changing what we can do, whatever happened to our rights and our right to free speech (okay, I’m speaking in terms of fair use but it still applies here.) Speaking of which…

My estimated date the funds would be available would be four weeks; four. That’s pretty long for someone who has been on eBay for about a long time. I mean sure, I noticed that there were steps I could do to get quicker access to my funds like shipping the item. So I did and guess how much time it now takes me… Yup, three weeks… I just got a week cut off from the estimate. You know, I shipped it on time; I shipped it as quickly as I could and yet they all they can manage to do is take a week off my estimated funds availability. It’s just like this Discover commercial, except replace card replacement with expected fund availability. I mean seriously, I ship on time and I manage to get a week off. I shouldn’t even get a fucking four weeks because I’ve been selling for a long time, I mean do I, a longtime user have to meet their strict requirements in order for me to get my funds instantly? Even though they’re strict and they’re going to turn me away from eBay? Do I even have a choice in the matter? No… what do you mean no???

At least they’re doing a good thing by reminding us that the funds would be delayed, even though they didn’t remind me at the time I created that auction… Seriously check it out…

I mean now you remind me? Now you remind me that my funds will be unavailable?!?! All being pissed off aside, it would of been nice if they at least told us via an email or an eBay messages; I mean this is a major change, again I understand if you want to stop scammers in their tracks but this is something that affects all of us; seriously, even a quick Google search shows that there are people from 2010 who are pissed off by this change; those people are honest eBay users just like me, they just want to sell stuff, they don’t want to wait 4-3 weeks for their funds to arrive due to this “estimated funds availability^*” thing and what eBay/PayPal perceives as the reasons to implement it. I mean again, haven’t these people heard of trust, or is that for people who meet eBay’s requirements.

All I know is that eBay has to reconsider this feature or else their losing a member to the thousands who walked away from the site due to this bullshit.

So apparently there’s this movie called “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” that was released just a few days ago, and apparently it’s the hottest thing since sliced bread; presumably since that Tim Burton directed movie came out and well, anything’s better then that movie right? I haven’t seen that movie yet so I don’t know if the rumors about it are true but I have seen this movie and I can tell you that it sucks 100% donkey balls. Yeah, there are reviews out there proclaiming it as smart, witty, brilliant, best special effects in the history of special effects but is it really smart as they say it is, is it witty or is it just disguising itself to be witty when all it is is a demonstration for photo-realistic apes? Cause that’s what it feels like, a demonstration of Weta’s Digital ability to create photo realistic apes; as if Avatar wasn’t already such a convincing display of their work.

The fact that most of these scenes consist of “hey, look at the fucking photo-realistic apes, aren’t we the best at creating those types of apes?” just furthers my theory. I mean there are tons of scenes that could of not involved the use of digital technology. I mean look at the original “Planet of the Apes” and it’s later sequels, they managed to get the effects, the feelings, the timing just right and they didn’t even have to use fucking digital technology to achieve that effect either. The fact that these assholes proclaim the excellence of the digital effects just sickens me; it’s like they’re proclaiming this movie to be a masterpiece of technology, a special effects showcase that shows how obsolete those stupid, primitive apes were and how newer and badass cool our apes are. Yeah… I’m guessing that “Planet of the Apes” in 2011 would of focused more on the special effects and less on the story and social commentary.

An example of this is the beginning scene where it starts off in a serene African jungle and then ends up with an ape captured; not just apes, an ape, meaning one. I mean you have fucking Africans chasing them and you only capture one ape? What? What about the other apes, aren’t you going to show how cruel those people are by capturing alot of apes instead of just one. I mean what’s so special about that ape, is he the one who’s going to be an essential part of the movie? Is he some type of rare breed? If anything why capture that one ape? Why capture that one ape and leave the rest of the apes behind; what are you thinking???

Anyways…, I did not get to the story at all; the most important part of the film. Let’s just say that it feels like it’s trying to pack several different plots into one movie; it revolves around this one guy and his ape who he bonds with, but then a girl gets involved and he goes between this guy and his ape and his dad, and then it involves a girl and then it involves Ceaser and his ape like desires… You try to read that and understand how it goes along; seriously the way the writers and directors execute it is bad, bad, bad. In fact most of it feels like a Lifetime TV movie, a dark gritty prison movie and a german directed disaster movie. Yes, it’s three different movies in one clusterfuck! Directed by acclaimed director Rupert Wyatt no less, note how I use the word acclaimed in a discerning matter…

And adding to the jumbled up story is the fact that most of the characters aren’t memorable; from the people in the laboratory to even the people later on in the movie, none of them are memorable! There is also the fact that the main character (James Franco as Will Rodman for future reference) comes across as pompous, selfish, apathetic, and a slow learner. I mean hints are dropped throughout the movie to his motives, his desires and his thoughts but the actions that he does is just appealing. I mean  it’s established that he created this cure for Alzheimer’s because his dad has it and he’s just so desperate to cure it with the drug (that is oddly mass produced despite the fact that it’s experimental and the fact that the black guy and the FDA hasn’t totally signed off on it yet; I mean what’s the purpose of creating large quantities of the drug if you can’t even sell it yet?) that the motives he does is understandable but even he doesn’t give much of a shit for the dad in the middle of the movie.

About the dad… I could not connect with him at all, I mean sure, he’s the reason he created the cure and sure, he’s having problems but at no point did I even take his problems seriously… Sure, he forgets stuff, sure, he has trouble playing music (he was a music teacher and a big part of his life) but was he in any real danger… No. Was he going to die right now? No, and the only reason why he was “dangerous” was because he got into a confrontation with his caretaker involving a lamp speaking various kinds of jiberish and his caretaker got all scared and stuff, saying that he’s now impossible; (I know now that he’s suffering from Movie Alzheimer’s Syndrome; I’m guessing that if he had it in real life, he’d be in the moderate stage.) adding to this fact is mainly it doesn’t feel natural, I mean sure; there’s a 3 year passage of time that is suggested (due to the movie switching to a 3 year old Ceaser and the main actor narrating what happened with the monkey. Side note: these are the only suggestions that time has passed seeing as how they did not take into consideration actually aging the characters) and his Alzheimers does look worse but dropping a lamp, really? I would either have some sort of suggestion that the caretaker is facing difficulty (to the point where she can’t handle it no more) or that the dad is getting worse and worse in his aggression; anyways, I’m going to take a guess and say that had he not taken the drug he wouldn’t be dead. Sure, he would still have the disease but he would still be here and he wouldn’t be dead and none of this would of ever happened… Hell, he wouldn’t even be yelled at by his own son. Scratch that, I’m an idiot; turns out he got into someone elses car who’s door was open and who’s key was in the ignition. I can understand how someone like him would confuse that car for his own but why leave it open, hell why even leave the keys in the damn ignition? Anybody could steal the car easily and he would never see it again; though I suppose it is the only way they could think of to get the ape crazy and attacking someone who he thinks is attacking his father.

Also after he dies, he doesn’t even mention his death much after he dies because of the drug… Which he gave in the first place because he dropped a lamp; I mean he wasn’t in any danger, he wasn’t scary; he just dropped a fucking lamp!; and that caused him to test the drug without testing the human first. I mean what happens if the drug kills him? Aren’t you smart enough to test the drug before applying it on your own dad? (Even the only guy who cares for the apes suggest that the gas form could kill his father) Of course, he does die when the gas form of the drug he made completely out of forced desperation (adding to the fact is that he spells out that he’s going to make a stronger, more aggressive version of the drug without really sounding out how he even knows how to make the drug nor the perfect balance nor even learn from his mistakes before. I guess “not wanting to lose them both” is a pretense for rushing things huh?) he administered backfired on him but really, he should of been smart enough to know… or care! Ha!

There’s also the part where he adopts an baby chimp that an ape who had the drug birthed before going crazy and going on a rampage; by the way, what the fuck were they thinking when they made the ape did that. I mean that ape has a child, why would he leave his ape child alone? Obviously those people would do something with it and well any smart ape would know that well, it’d basically be pointless to fucking go on a rampage to protect your child; I mean protect your fucking child. I get that this is just a movie but seriously, if these types of things continue to play out in movies then I’ll have doubts upon whether or not Hollywood can make a good movie again.

Anyway… so he adopts this ape and he raises it as his own… Well I wouldn’t say raise exactly as what he does as “raising” is just let him live in his house while he watches humans interact through the window… Sure, there are the occasional events where he takes him out to the redwoods or interacts with him using sign language and English but for the most part he doesn’t even communicate with him; he just let’s him live while he obsesses about his cure and gets pissed off about his dad even though he fucking knew the cure wasn’t working. He doesn’t even care to teach him about human life and such, a point proven when he takes Ceaser to the place where his mother was killed and focuses only on the mother and not on the fact that these people who work only for money on cruel; come to think about it, he doesn’t even care that much about Ceaser at all. a point being that he doesn’t take care of his dad, even though he knows that his disease has returned… He just lets him walk to someone elses car and have someone else yell at him while Ceaser watches through the window; nice way to treat your disabled dad asshole; and nice way to get Ceaser pissed off enough to fight someone in self-defense knowing how people perceive apes in this world… Seriously, what an asshole; he even got Ceaser locked up and only then did he feel somewhat bad about it… (He didn’t emote as much as, I mean he seemed to be a bit robotic and stiff when it came to getting him set free) Well feel bad for Ceaser, not for his dad… Even after he died…

Seriously… He only cared about the side effects rather then the death of his dad himself, I mean the only scene we’re even shown that he cares is when he picks up books and belonging of his and places them in a cardboard box; you think that he should of reacted earlier, what with the fact that he knew the drug wasn’t working on his father anymore. Instead it is only after his death that he reacted, when he wanted to stop testing because he took the drug and tested it on his dad without knowing what would happen…

It doesn’t help much that even after Ceaser gets placed into animal control (well, really a prison for apes.); he chooses to focus on the cure rather then the ape’s own safety and care… I mean seriously, he works on his own cure and then he has several sudden changes of heart that’s so sudden that my head suddenly got dizzy. Sure it might of been from the father dieing but from what I’ve been seen, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know if I can even believe that this guy suddenly gave a shit about Ceaser locked up in there (that scene when he confronts those people when he sees a gun doesn’t count, it would count if he followed up on his threats instead of working on the cure.) when he was working on his cure; I mean what kind of a person forgets about Ceaser being locked up in prison; this guy!

Additionally, he also pays a bribe to the director in an attempt to free Ceaser but, you know what happens afterwards… Remember what I said about his threats, well it would of worked 10x better had the main character grown an attachment to both Ceaser and the other apes and if he actually showed affection towards the apes, I mean this is just a new low in ape-human relations; “I care about one ape and one ape only, why should I even care about the other apes when I experimented on them; the only reason why I want to end the trials was because I killed my dad using the drug and now I have doubts about the human effects of it.” I mean if he cared more or equally about the apes than the humans than he would be more likeable and relatable; hell even his mission would be relatable “To not lose them both.”. But the actions that he shown, the thoughts that he verbalized, I don’t think he’s even giving any weight to his character’s desperation and desires; which adds to his already inconsistent character who’s supposed to be smart, caring and logical.

And what’s up with the girlfriend (Freida Pinto as Caroline Aranha) in the movie. I mean she appears as the main protagonists girlfriend throughout the rest of the movie but it seems like they serve no purpose together; hell it seems like the only reason why they’re together is because the movie wanted them to be together, no questions asked. It’s be okay if he took the girlfriend’s comments into consideration or if the girlfriend showed some resistance, you know… Dynamic!; but it seemed like both of them lacked any, in fact the only memorable thing I saw her do was sprout out metaphorical nonsense after he told him that he drugged Ceaser, like “this is a thing you cannot stop” or “you don’t know what you’ve unleashed“. Well of course we don’t know, we’re too busy abusing animals to care, so why should we care now? Hell, in the teaser trailer I thought she was a lab assistant, not his girlfriend. If she was his girlfriend then she would be more concerned or more talkative to the main protagonist but from what I’ve seen, I doubt that she’s his girlfriend at all; in fact I think of her as just something to counteract the main protagonist and to have a couple in the film.

Speaking of which… Let’s talk about the orphan that ape went on a crazy rampage for. Ceaser… (Played by Andy Serkis) I mean sure he’s cute, he’s smart but he’s barely got any personality. By that I mean the writer probably watched some movie about a dad and his boy (strange boy at that) and decided to incorporate that into the movie… I could not see Ceaser for his own character, I could initially see him only for the strange boy from some movie (I’m guessing the Pursuit of Happyness for some reason, but as the time passed by (through a scene where they show years going by but again, the characters not aging one bit. It also makes me wonder how his dad can survive with the cure for 9-7 years and why the main character never noticed this but then again, what do I know, I’m not in Hollywood.) he became the ape who started to hate the world because of the solely one sided view the movie forces (mother dieing because of a corporation, being looked at funny, beating up someone in defense of the main character’s dad because he got into a Mustang that any smart person would leave locked, being looked at like a menace for beating someone up, being special because well, he’s the main monkey character.).

One thing that also bothered me is that this movie seems to use every trick in the book to avoid the humans from teaching Ceaser into humanity. I mean as this movie go on Ceaser only sees the bad side of humanity, the side that is willing to harm, the side that is willing to hurt and torment and capture and the side that is willing to go aggressive on an ape within 1 second after a girl says “Daddy” casually. Not once did any of the human teach Ceaser about the good and bad parts of humanity; they just make an ass out of you and me and tell them stuff and show them stuff without even thinking about the consequences. I mean you’re showing him a corporation that killed his mother, barely showing any emotion whatsoever and you’re making an ass out of you and me, what the fuck are you thinking??? It would work wonders for Ceasers character if he wasn’t solely pushed to becoming the rebellious ape that he is, it’d be good if they gave him a multi-sided view of his own. I mean the only scene that feature Ceaser and manages to give him a view is the scene where Ceaser realizes that being on a leash and being told what to do is the example of being a pet and because of this Ceaser sits in the back seat instead of the trunk and asks if he’s being treated like a pet. (This is the scene where he realizes he’s different.) I’m very disappointed that there weren’t more scenes like this, this could of added to Ceaser’s character.)

Of course, there’s also the moment in the film where he gets sent to prison that seems to be made specifically for apes rather then animals of any kind… This is where the film start to include parts of a prison film that the writers just happened to be watching at the moment. It’s also evident when people who hate apes appear to be running the prison, especially a certain dumbass with blonde hair who abuses apes without any fucking remorse whatsoever… What freaked me out is the fact that he looked like a certain “Kenneth Parcel” from a certain 30 Rock.

He looks soo similar that I instantly thought that he moved to San Francisco after he got fired from TGS due to some incident involving an ape; at least it helps explain his one-dimensional hate for apes and other ape-like creatures. Anyways, the guy has no fucking limits when it comes to shocking them, shoving food at them, tranquilizing them and just fucking abusing them. I mean he did that shit near two girls; those two girls should be hating him for that!. Instead they get shocked for a moment and then they stick with the guy and act like nothing bad happened; I mean the guy abuses apes, I’m guessing he fucking tears the shit out of every Curious George book he sees; speaking of Curious George; they have this moment in the movie where Ceaser swings around the house, moving through ladders and going towards his room in a manner reminiscent of kids movies or… well, Curious George… All those reviews saying that this movie is “smart and thought-provoking” neglect to mention this scene. I mean how can this movie be both if it has scenes to appeal to the kids that just happened to be taken to this movie? Answer that question fucking movie critics.

Anyways… There is not one person who feels sympathetic for Apes (well except for that bearded guy but we barely see him and he voices off his sympathy in one scene meant to show off the contrast of the boss, plus he dies later so he’s rendered inconsequential); almost all of these people feel ill will towards apes, even the people who don’t live here; and this movie is supposed to be set in modern times god damnit! (I mean they didn’t have a holographic display for nothing) There are also people mentioning that the apes are the star and the human are just layaways.  I disagree solely based on the fact that these humans push Ceaser, are involved with Ceaser; hell, even the person who adopted him had a hand in all of this; so it’s not possible to focus on just one thing when another thing had a hand in it, even though their dialog is stupid and their actions are purposely bad to make you root for the apes; they helped Ceaser along the movie’s plot therefore they’re just as much a part of the movie as Ceaser is. And it’s not an excuse to focus on one side to the other, keep in mind that there are an equal amount of scenes with humans in them and even though the apes act better, the humans are still there acting out a poorly plotted script so they both have an equal amount of scenes; so you would have to block them out with green squares in order for the focus to be on the ape. And really, it’s not an excuse to focus solely on the ape; I get that this is Ceasers story, the spotlight is on him but really… Just because the spotlight is on him does not mean that the humans get to act badly and get away with it.

So anyway, apparently these people who run the place the government who’s funding animal control with taxpayer money to let them abuse the apes at will are unaware that this type of abuse is going to lead to a rebellion. No, it’s not just the fact that these corporations are experimenting on them, it’s not the fact that these animals are locked up in zoo’s, it’s mainly the fact that the animal mistreatment in the monkey prison lead to this type of rebellion; and it isn’t even treated like a monkey prison at all. No, it’s treated like a regular prison with monkeys playing the role of inmates. Though I have to say I did like that orangutang fellow… seemed to give the prison scenes some purpose… even though it was leading us to another point in the movie, the company taking the apes from the cells for experimentation; almost out of the blue…

Though the director may be trying to parallel the similarities between humans and apes; it just doesn’t feel that way to me. There is a scene in which the most dominant prisoner challenges the newbie to a fight and he ends up pounding him to the ground before the warden comes in and stop it through the usage of tranquilizers. Now I understand that prison scenes have been done before in previous Planet of the Apes movies but this just felt too similar to one of those prison movies to the point where even a similar revolt happens, and the apes didn’t even need to convince any human to do it for them; they did it themselves… Breaking out of prison that is, let it be a warning that if you fucking mistreat animals then a revolution will happen, this PSA is courtesy of the fine folks at 20th Century Fox.

Now I’d like to take the time to pause and reflect on the movie which this seems to be a psuedo-remake of… Yes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. I mean that movie is just so fucking amazing; and it’s lightyears ahead of this crap. The relationship between Ceaser and his master was done better and the world in which it was placed also seemed more believable and more connectable to the audience. Let’s compare the relationship with Ceaser and his master to that of Ceaser and that asshole character who let his dad die. Now Ceaser sees humanity as cruel while still holding on to that small piece of hope; his Master seems to be the one who shares in his reflection but has an even greater grasp for hope than Ceaser. Nonetheless, they still seem to share that father/son relationship and it’s better reflected because he truly raised him rather than claiming he raised him…

Moving on to how chimps are treated in that movie; even though both movies are somewhat similar in the fact that it leads to the rise of the planet of the apes, Conquest is better in the fact that it treats Apes as servants and pets without any intelligence; and the reasoning for it is understandable due to the fact that both cats & dogs died due to a disease and humankind needed some sort of animal to be their pet/servant and well, apes fit the bill. Rise just fucking mistreats apes for no reason other then to say “Hey, look; we’re mistreating you and underestimating the intelligence that you guys have. Forget the fact that it’s the modern times, we’re going to act like it’s the 50′s and you’re going to be our slaves.” I mean this type of sensibility in a modern day film is inexcusable (even the fucking displays are holographic). Hell… The apes in Conquest already had intelligence, the ones in Rise have to be gassed in order to be smart. Way to underestimate their own intelligence my making them smarter film makers.

I mean why would they even need to be gassed (the cure) in the first place; if apes are assumed to have similar intelligence to humans then why not just show it okay. We don’t need to gas them to make them smart, we already know what they’re feeling and well; it’s very, very likely they could of rebelled without the gas in the first place. I mean those apes in Conquest dominated without some gas being let through the room; and all Ceaser had to do was convince one unwaveringly person to open his cell. What, do they need the gas to become smart, to escape and follow Ceaser’s lead? or do they need the gas to look all menacing and creepy? Either way, the gas was not needed and it was ridiculously easy to get to the gas in the first place. I mean wouldn’t the guy have to like lock the fridge to prevent anybody from stealing the formula, that’s like $100,000,000 the company has down the line and all because some guy took it home and forgot to lock the house, I mean what if a burglar broke into his house and stole it; then what? He wouldn’t have a job anymore now would he?

Apparently he doesn’t because the apes just break out in broad daylight and take over the whole city because of what happened in prison. It’s like, fuck humanity; they have mistreated us when we were in prison and I’m going to assume all humans will mistreat us by default due to the fact that they mistreated us in prison. I mean even the owner came in to take him home but he closed his cage and stayed because let’s face it, prison changed him and his warped views on humanity; he’s now like. “I ain’t changed; shit I’m gonna break free and destroy the whole city then I’m gonna like call myself “Ceaser Da Homosapian” and I’ll be releasing an album entitled “We Be Takin’ Ova’ da San Francisco Bay!” and it’ll sell 10 million copies.” Seriously, there is scene where the main human character visits the ape Ceaser; and while I admire the main character figuring out there’s possible abuse, I did not like where the rest of the scene went. I mean did Ceaser even listen to him when he said possible abuse, did he even emote enough to reassure Ceaser?, should he or Ceaser engage in more conversation? In any case, it leads to his views where he (originally longing for home) then says “fuck home” and well, you know the rest. I wouldn’t blame him though, he did hang out with the main character for a couple of years to know his tricks. Hell, the guy is this inconsistent that he manages to forget about the fact that he hates fucking leashes, I mean what reason was there for carrying the leash, other than for him to stay in prison of course and for him to do his stand still routine. Do you remember what I said earlier about inconsistency?

Anyway, they break out, head towards the generic broadcast towers that seemed to have replaced the distinctive Sutro Tower, free the apes that are captive (including the ones in the lab after looking at a tab belonging to that company, also how do they even find apes to put in the center? Are there wild apes in the forest, are there people who had apes for pets and then sent them to this jail? How do they get apes to lock up here and how do they manage to supply some of the apes to the companies, I mean they can’t all be abandoned apes right?) and then they proceed to travel across the city (really escaping but this is what I interpreted it as) in scenes that seem like they’re showing off the photo realistic apes. Most of these scenes seem like senseless action that have them fighting with police officers, helicopters and an evil corporation run by a miscast black guy no less, who seems to deliver his lines with general apathy for what he’s doing. I also love the fact that he switches roles so suddenly, after he sees the ape the drug was tested on; (He is sort of in his old role when the main character manages to convince him to give out backing on the drug, telling him that it works and telling him that it can be used for other purposes; but he forgets every bit of his role when the script calls for him to be impressed over an ape who was given the gas.

I mean really… What kind of a person who’s concerned about approvals becomes egotistical that quickly?) I couldn’t tell if he was actually acting or just doing the bare minimum to get paid. (What makes this senseless is the fact that San Francisco has another bridge and another way out… I mean the apes could of gone south into the forests or onto the San Francisco-Oakland bridge, all of those directions lead to some sort of forest and there are routes that avoid major cities altogether once they get into the forest… It’s senseless in the fact that it’s played up for  on the Golden Gate Bridges for straight action and conflict rather than logic. Even though the Golden Gate Bridge is shown as an important thing for Ceaser and the first thing he thought of when it came to escape, it’s still straight up action; mostly because of reasons stated before.) Also, with all of the civilians that seem to play absolutely no-role to both police and chimps, I’m guessing they treat them like cannon fodder; except for the main characters of course; who seem to be perfectly comtempt in analyzing the jail for signs of what went wrong despite the fact that the obvious fact that apes are roaming around the streets is an obvious sign that something has obviously gone wrong. I mean why would you go to the jail to analyze?, and analyze slowly I might add…

We don’t get a sense of what they’re accomplishing, we don’t get a sense of what the actions they’re doing even have to do with what they’re doing at the moment (which is escaping, I mean why would you spray paint an insignia on a stop sign if you’re trying to escape?). We do get hints that Ceaser wants them to free all the captive apes and as such is part of the reason for rebelling and trying to escape from San Francisco but what we get across is that these chimps were abused in prison so they break out and have a riot while they break out their homies from subsequent zoos (one that was referenced by him looking out and seeing all of the apes as if it was foreshadowing something) and evil corporations; as if a zoo can be that evil! Then they rampage the city to escape, and go onto buildings, get into fight scenes with police and hold spears up looking menacing because they can! Frankly from the people we’ve seen, they have deserved everything they’ve gotten to them, I mean if these people who don’t seem to think clearly, understand the consequences, feel bad for what they’re doing or feel apathetic are humanity then I would be proud to serve under chimp overlords. Seriously, I was so proud when that Kenneth Parcel look-a-like character died; that fuck deserved it greatly.

So after we get shot by shot by shot of ape trying to escape San Francisco but it’s really just chimps tearing it up, wrecking havoc among the SF Bay showcasing the awesome visual effects without purpose (I mean really, do they really put themselves higher above the humans to not be considerate to anybody? This is why the police reacted the way they did, what they did could be considered disturbing the peace; even though they didn’t intend on harming anybody, they did travel throughout the city recklessly and without any regard for anybody; by the way, when are you going to stop treating films like this like demonstrations for your photo realistic animals, we don’t need you trying to fill up the last 30 minutes with special effects thank you very much. Also what’s up with the apes holding spears on top of the building, I mean they’re trying to escape and they’re holding up spears like a deceleration for war, no wonder so many people think the apes are going to start a war, this scene could of been cut to increase the impact. And yes, they included this scene in the movie… A reference turned horribly wrong.); while the dumbass chases after Ceaser because that’s what he cares about; we finally reach the climax where Ceaser and his apes escape San Francisco and that guy catches up with him… The scene itself leans towards emotional but it felt somewhat out of place with the fact that they destroyed the SF bay just earlier ago.

I mean they’re trying to end the movie in an ET moment where the guy does not care that San Francisco has been destroyed, nor does he care about the consequences. He just wants his ape back and one of the apes said “No, he is home.” I mean what, did the drug also grow voice boxes? Really? They can speak now, I thought this would happen though natural evolution; not through a drug; and if the happy ending was really needed then it should of been silent and it should of been taken more seriously. Anyway, I just love the way he symbolizes the scenes in the end, where the apes climb up the trees and we see the destroyed SF in the distance; referencing an earlier scene in which Ceaser climbs up the tree and suddenly gains clothes while reaching the top and seeing a SF skyline (pre end of the movie of course.)… Yup, Conquest ended it with the apes killing the humans (of course, they edited that ending because it was too violent but that ending is what made the movie what it is; seriously if Dodgeball ended with that ending then it would be a better movie for doing it, them losing, no happy ending; it just works.) What this is of course is a happy ending, after all of the sights of the apes destroying San Francisco, killing humans and explosions and what not; we have to end it on a happy note because well, a movie is just not a movie without a happy ending... and Rise of the Planet of the Apes just had to have one… Really…

So aside from that, there is the issue of what the movie is bringing up. I mean it’s obviously bringing up how human abuse animals and put themselves above all other creatures, I mean just look at Ceaser, he spent a lot of his lifetime just looking at these humans and the way they behave.. It also brings up how we tend to underestimate things for granted and how we tend to ultimately be our own undoing… That’d be good and all but the problem is is that this movie obviously blurts out it’s issues… Like a college boy acting stupid but blurting out smart stuff just so he can seem smart when in actuality he’s dumb. I mean sure, it’d be nice to weave these issues in a matter that feels consistent and natural but again, obvious issues, obvious movie. What else is smart, I mean it does touch on the human/ape relationship, the desire to cure someone, but even that is underplayed and untapped. I’m seriously scratching my head to figure out what in this movie is smart… Hmmm, what is in this smart movie that everybody proclaims is smart… Oh I know, the directing… Wait; the direction feels out of place in a movie like this. Oh, I know… Maybe they’re subtle, oh wait; I mentioned that earlier. I guess there isn’t a single smart thing about this movie at all… It works as palatable action but nothing is fucking smart in this movie, nothing.

Speaking of smartness, he just had to throw in a bit of nods to the old movie; to appeal to the fans. I mean well we have the usual “Get your god damn hands off me you damn dirty ape” mention, we have the apes holding up spears, we have the apes also roaming across the land, the space shuttle to Mars and it’s disappearance (NASA retired it’s space shuttle program so I guess this movie is outdated now.) what else can we add in there for fanservice? I mean trying to appeal to the fans, why not just create a good movie?; you can try to work in the nods in a way that seems to blend in a natural way but also that fans will still get to it but the way of including references to a previous movie just because the fans are going to be watching it is just, well cheap…  Trying to nod to your fans is a good idea if done right but it’s usually a bad idea if it’s done like this, like people have not heard of the Planet of the Apes before, like they need tons of lines and moments from the film just so they can recognize it’s a Planet of the Apes film. Maybe you should trying taking this movie seriously and stop giving lots of obvious nods/homages/references. I mean even people who first watch the movie don’t need to be nodded to that much.

Apparently lots of people went to see this movie; and it describes today’s Summer movie audience. Hungry for action, hungry for remakes and not caring enough whether or not the movie can live up to the namesake of it’s franchise. Sure, if a movie comes along like say… A movie with an interesting premise or a good superhero movie, sure; I might be more forgiving but if a movie comes along like this then forget it. This movie has to live up to the name of the “Planet of the Apes“, which was a fascinating movie/franchise and it apparently does not try to live up to the namesake at all; it’s like they thought they could ride on the name and make money, and that theory is proven correct 10x over. The fans won’t mind, because we like give them a nod and the moviegoing audience won’t mind because we can tug on their strings all we want and we can provide all of the michealbaysplosions we want for the people who come for the action/special effects/people who wanted to see this movie because they heard good things about it; by paying $10 bucks and seeing this movie is like giving us a sign that people want to see special effects demonstrations dressed as a movie with emotional and suspenseful plot. Sure it may or may not be better then the Tim Burton movie but this movie doesn’t have what those other movies had, and that thing… is substance. Yup… I’m not against the people who think it’s entertaining. I mean sure, a movie like this is entertaining but you have the name of a franchise on your back; plus the social revolution that has been happening in 2011; I mean there are a lot of moments beyond the 60′s the filmmakers could of looked at for inspiration, and I mean a lot. I guess they went for the simplest message out there.

Before I close out I have got one more thing to say… What is it with the gas killing humans, I mean seriously, it didn’t have any threat before when the main character cured his father with it and now it is a threat?!?! I mean you have the only guy who cares about the apes walking around all sick and stuff because he breathed the stuff, what you didn’t bother to put up a quarantine? Most fans can chalk that up to the fact that the formula was changed but this just feels like a cheap way to add tension and to create another sequel. Just look at the scene at the end, we have some airplane pilot flying from SF to NYC (to spread the disease obviously) bleeding from his nose and I’m going to assume that it’s obviously because of the gas. I mean why have a revolution when you can just unleash the gas, kill all of the humans, kill the humans that can somehow withstand the gas and make the apes all smart. That seems like a pretty cheap way of “rising” up isn’t it. At least the previous movies had some sort of rebellion/war going on with the apes, and that made sense for the eventual domination, the gas feels cheap… and with a potential sequel looming around the corner, I’m going to take a guess and say that it’s about the apes and the gas and some person has to stop them but they can’t so the apes continue to dominate therefore paving the way for the Planet of the Apes. Obviously having some character die is like telling us that this is how they’re going to take over Earth; way to blow it filmmakers. And with that, I’m done.

Recently I made a payphone call with a credit card after I was stranded out in the middle of nowhere. Yes I’m still one of the few people who doesn’t own a cellphone, smart or otherwise… And yes, I thought that payphones were still america’s trusted institution but I guess I should of rethunk that when I saw only like one payphone in a city populated to the thousands.

After I entered my credit card information and made the call that no-one picked up. I woke up the next day to discover that there was $32 charged to my credit card. Go ahead, re-read that last sentence. I can wait.

Now, phone calls usually cost about 50 cents, and that’s if you’re lucky enough to be carrying change at the time. I mean our society has been so reliant on credit cards that carrying things around like dollar bills and change has become a thing of the past; and the fact that I didn’t even bother to even consider to carry any change just proves how dependent we really are; of course, the very idea of a payphone company using credit cards to commit fraud just sickens me, I mean what kind of “math” are they using to calculate their rates?

Of course, we don’t get to see how much it actually costs whenever we use our credit cards. Take a look at the picture below…

It may be blurry but you can clearly tell that they don’t tell you the fees for a credit-card call; and they don’t even treat it like that, they have the audacity to treat it as a collect call. That logic is just fucking palatable, it’s insisting that I entered my information so that I could pay the fees that the other person was calling, and that other person was me. How the fuck does that even make sense? Collect calls are usually you call one guy and the guy gets a question on whether or not he should accept it or not; you don’t accept the fees until you accept the call. And since we’re going by the definitions of a shady payphone company, I’m guessing everybody accepts the call unwillingly.

Now, the payphone that I encountered said that it was managed by Pacific Communications; a company that I have never heard about before in my life but appears to be based in Arizona. Seriously, I haven’t seen any of their payphones from where I’ve been, this is like the first of their payphones that I’ve encountered; and I’m guessing there are more of these babies since well, unsuspecting people enterting their credit cards and calling up collect is a good business opportunity.

Even more shocking is that Pacific Communications is only just a part of it, behind that lies a company named Custom TeleConnect Inc. which just happens to be taking advantage of the gaping hole left behind by all of the payphones being taken away. What, everybody has cellphones nowaday, we just have to assume that nobody will ever use a payphone because they just so happen to have a cellphone; what a waste of money these payphones are going to become… Also they’re in Las Vegas… Yeah, take a second to realize that you’ve just been tricked by a company barely anybody has heard of.

So have millions of people in the US, a simple Google search for Custom TeleConnect Inc. will reveal tons of reports and stories about how they got scammed by this elusive company. Hell I feel bad for that family who got charged a whole lot of money due to some convict calling them repetedly despite the fact that the family didn’t want him calling. I guess he too was unaware that he was bringing extra suffering by charging the family hundreds of dollars for about 10 calls, most of which made it to voicemail. Speaking of which, there was even one who got charged despite the fact that the call didn’t make it through; yeah you heard me, the call did not make it through; that is downright low to charge him/her for a call that didn’t even go to voicemail!

Of course, there is something more downright low then charging unsuspecting people hundreds of dollars; it’s trying to get the money back from these people…

When I got my statement, there was a phone number that wasn’t even the phone number of the phone company; it was that of a printing service that was specifically for payphones. I mean really, if you didn’t want people calling to give you refunds for your unfair charges then maybe you should of done a better job at it. I mean really, if all you’re going to keep doing is giving out “compromises” for people who dispute the charges like half-off your call which costed about $32 to make then you don’t really deserve to be a company; really…

This happened when we called the number that we eventually got from the second charge they served me, and it turns out that what I called was the billing department and the bigger surprise is that there were people working there. I mean really, do they know that they’re working for a downright deceptive company like this? I mean if all they can do is just offer me and other people 30% off for a call that didn’t even make it through then let’s face it, it makes them worse then AT&T. Didn’t really matter at the end though, I got the money back through my bank and I didn’t have to give those people my credit card number. Let’s face it, if I gave them that number then I would of discovered another unexpected charge on my statement; and I’m guessing even more people would of found themselves back in this scam they’re trying so hard to avoid.

But even though I got the money back, I am still pissed off by what they’re doing. What they’re doing is praying on people who just so happens to be stupid enough to forget their cellphone and stupid enough to use their phones to make a collect call or to make a credit card call; I’m more surprised by the fact that the government hasn’t done anything to stop this, seeing as how this stuff is; let’s say I don’t know… Illegal! They don’t even tell you how much it costs or how much it’ll costs them, and I doubt that the operator will be of any further help with that matter. I don’t know how they’re getting away with this, I don’t know how they can justify those fees that they push on everybody and I certainly don’t know how the owners can justify even ripping people off like this!

Let it be known that if you ever find yourself near a payphone and you have to dial *11 in order to make a collect call; don’t. In fact, I don’t think you should be carrying around only a credit card, you should carry around some change; that way you can’t get charged exorbitant fees by this “monstrosity”. One thing that also needs to be known is that this company needs to be taken down, and fast! The faster the better am I right?

Now, it turns out that people are spreading a petition via Facebook (also known as the place where people are unaware of what information to keep to themselves.) to institute a law titled Caylee Anythony’s law; which would make it a felony to not report your child within an hour. Now I’m all for having more less-responsible parents off the street. There is just so many things wrongs with the law. Yes the fact that one hour is not enough time. I mean what if you’re totally responsible and you somehow manage to let your kids fall into the wrongs hands; would you realize it at the right time or would you wait until the second day to report him missing? If you report him missing on the second day then you have committed a felony by default, that means you’re going to jail. Seriously, it’s that strict.

It seems like people don’t think about the flaws of this law or chime in on what they can do to make it better. They just look at the image of Caylee Anthony and they say “this kid had her life ended, therefore we must mourn her and do anything in our power to stop this from ever happening.” I’m not part of the same genepool as them. I mean sure, I feel sad when kids like this die or when a person has a fatal disease but I don’t feel the same way when they start using a dead kid and a convicted cop-liar for their own agendas, and I certainly don’t like it when diseased kids wait until the last minute to announce that they will not make it. I mean seriously, if you’d post when your disease was manageable then I might feel charitable but once you announce you won’t make it at the last minute and announce a bucket list (more like a list of demands) when you know you’re not going to make it well… That’s just downright low right there and will only last for a very short time before people’s sympathy run out.

One look, and you’ll be filled with guilt in an instant.

Anyways, while I do think a law like this is a good idea; the fact that you’re given an hour is unfair to many people. I mean not every person is perfect, not every person has something wrong with them (and really, are we assuming that people with these conditions are not allowed to take care of children. If you are then I think a big “screw you”) and we sometimes manage to lose our kids or have our kids run away from us… and sometimes we aren’t even aware of it. And you’re saying that we’re bad people who endanger our children just because we didn’t report them in an hour? Baulderdash! Of course, a felony like this means that poor parents are treated like the worst criminals in history, therefore we should lock them up and place them in cells with actual murders, psychopaths and 10-time violators… That’ll teach them to take care of the kids the way we want them to.

And all the while people are focusing on this, there are even worse people out there that deserve more of your attention; well more dangerous then bad moms really… I may be for the law if they were given a 7-day window to report their child missing (I mean really, she reported her child in 19-days… That is just too long; an hour is just too strict.) but as it is it’s strict, it’s unfair and it paints mothers in a bad light if they lose their child and don’t report it in an hour. I’m sure that Casey Anthony has a lot of problems on her own and maybe she didn’t care for her child as much as she did (not enough to make her wanna kill it.) but not every person is Casey Anthony and to base this law on this is just horrible. I’m sure the 500,000 people who signed that damn thing may have done it because they were pissed off about the verdict and sad about the death but even those 500,000 will realize the error of their ways when the current version of the law gets signed. Again, too strict!

Now, most of you who read this may already know the history of “Weird Al” Yankovic. He was taught to play the accordion at the age of 6, he was really smart as a kid and excelled academically. He was introduced to the world by Dr. Demento. He has since released tons of albums, made tons of fans and the rest as they say, is history.

Now, the last album that he released was “Straight Outta Lynwood” in 2006 and let’s just say that the whole world has been waiting for when Weird Al released his new album. When I saw that he released a new single “Whatever You Like”, I remember making a comment that said that it had been “too long since a Weird Al album was released.”, at the time they thought the album would be released in one year but as the time passed, my comment eventually became fact.

In the years that have passed, a new era has come along us; the era where electronics rule supreme and YouTube is all the rage. Now, Weird Al has managed to parody an era effectively in his album releases (most of his best album releases have been released at the appropriate times.) and well, he is noted as the king of parody but as he released songs in 2009, I felt a certain feeling of disappointment rising.

In 2011. He released a single from his album called “Perform This Way”, a parody of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way“. It was released due to the fact that it was denied by Lada Gaga for inclusion in his album but it turns out that a few days after the single was released, it was revealed that Lady Gaga has never heard it before in her life and after hearing it, she approved it quickly and Alpocalypse got a release date of June 21^st.

Days later, the album was released. Now mostly everyone was wondering what would be on the album (except for the songs he released in 2009.), due to the tracklisting containing parodies of Miley Cyrus to Taylor Swift to even… Hanson! And with the songs he released before and the videos he planned to put out at the albums released, he couldn’t disappoint now right?

Well as the album release came, the reviews for it weren’t as positive as expected. Turns out people either thought the album was amazing or mediocre. It was understandable due to the long time between releases and the subject perspective of comedy. Besides, this was the first album Weird Al had released in 5 years… Some of them were amazed, some of them were disappointed, some of them were just glad a Weird Al album came out…

And the fate of the world has all come down to this, a review of Weird Al’s “Alpocalypse”. I know that the fate of the world relies on this review but I really didn’t find anything that matched the man’s previous albums.

1. PERFORM THIS WAY
The first song on the album is a parody of the hottest song out there right now. Coincidence? Probably… I didn’t really find anything interesting about “Born This Way” and this parody just feels blah without visual aid. Speaking of which, the video that Weird Al made for this song fits it perfectly and actually makes it good, even though it did have some stuff I disliked about it.

2. CNR
Well, I’m sure Charles Nelson Riley would appreciate this from beyond the grave and I am very sure The White Stripes would appreciate this song for well but aside from the production of this song, it’s just not my cup of tea. Hey, I never really did find those Chuck Norris facts interesting or funny… He does provide some good outrageous facts but most of it just feels commonplace and safe. Yeah, I said it. The video is visually interesting though… Be forewarned that this song is loud as shit, you may need to turn down your speakers for this one folks.

3. TMZ
Taylor Swift never really had the popularity until Kanye West came up and took the mic from her, now her popularity is through the roof. As such, Alfred decides to parody her song “You Belong To Me” for a trip down TMZ’s paparazzi tabloid lane. Already it seems like Weird Al has chosen the wrong era to release this album. Noted, most of the music on the radio sounds like crap but this slate of music makes Weird Al feel uninspired to say the least. I have to admit, Weird Al’s lyrics on the subject are good and spot on and the voice pronouncing headlines are okay but the enjoyment factor is not up to par with previous Weird Al songs, or even releases.

4. SKIPPER DAN
Okay, I’m sure that Weird Al’s idea about hearing some guy on the Jungle Cruise off-handedly referring to his failed acting career inspired him to make this song but aside from the people who work on the Jungle Cruise, I don’t think mostly everybody who listens to this song will feel the same way. I’m guessing Daniel here must manage to survive his job on the thinnest of margins, as he we hear him complain about how it’s the same routine everyday and how he would rather make better life choices then to be a Jungle Cruise skipper. The video just makes me hate this song even more and it just makes me think of Daniel as some guy who gets high and acts miserable despite the fact that he is getting a paycheck that janitorial people would envy, making this song essentially well… an overindulgent song about a guy who complains about his life despite the fact that he makes a decent living. (Side note: there are videos for all 12 of the songs and while all of them are visually entertaining (and use different visual styles), it gives off the feeling that the songs don’t work without these visual representations. Man has the YouTube age changed him, most of the earlier songs in the catalog had you imagining the situation rather then watching a video that describes the situation to them. I do admit that these videos are better then the ones from 50 Cent’s “The Massacre“)

5. POLKA FACE
This doesn’t really live up to previous polka medleys in Weird Al’s career, it lacks the kind of color and uniqueness that Weird Al polkas usually have. But as an alternate take of today’s pop music… Yeah, it works out well when you think about it in that way, seeing as how Al’s take on those songs sound better then the original. So yeah, if you think of it is a medley with better versions of pop music, your disappointment will be cut in half.

6. CRAIGSLIST
I don’t know if Weird Al actually read them off of Criagslist or if he made them up but this is an enjoyable excision through the world of Craigslist set to Alfred’s version of a Door’s song. Sure it doesn’t live up to the high expectations you expect from Weird Al Yankovic but this will relate heavily to people who have been on Craigslist, especially those looking in those sections where the fun could be had. Personally, I think of Craigslist as a different place then what Weird Al is singing about due to the fact that I’ve been using it to shop for cars but hey, it can be oddly pleasing if you had Weird Al ready every funny listing to you over Doors music, plus; the video that accompanies it is pretty cool.

7. PARTY IN THE CIA
This is the “Party in the USA” parody everybody’s been talking about. You know, the one where Weird Al takes a pop and glittery song and makes it into a dark and depressing song… I have to admit, this is alright and his story about a CIA agent is okay but this doesn’t feel as dark as Weird Al said it would be. Additionally, this song cannot compete to the time when Girl Talk mashed up M.O.P’s “Ante Up” with this very song…

8. RINGTONE
Let’s get something out of the way; Alfred’s style parody of Queen about annoying ringtones fails to live up to expectations. While it feels bigger then life, there is a small feeling that Weird Al isn’t comfortable, despite the fact that he wrote, produced and sang in the song; and it shows. The video made by the long gong TV show SuperNews! doesn’t do much to add to an already weak song itself. Maybe he should of add more spontaneity to this album.

9. ANOTHER TATTOO
This parody of “Nothin’ on You” has Weird Al getting his rap on while he sings on the chorus. I have to give props to Weird Al for managing to sound like two different people but the song itself ultimately finds itself dragged into average territory, despite Weird Al’s best attempts. I do admit, I liked Alfred’s skit at the end where he plays the guy who’s getting tattoos.

10. IF THAT ISN’T LOVE
Yup… This is the love song that Weird Al fans have been clamoring for, except for the fact that it feels less like a parody and oddly enough, more like a love song that Hanson themselves would sing. In that definition it’s a good enough song but as a style parody it’s only okay… Now that I think about it, there hasn’t been one original song or a style parody that’s not based on a popular or more obscure type of genre artist. I’m have to wonder why Alfred here didn’t include either of those on this album…

11. WHATEVER YOU LIKE
I didn’t think this song was any good when it was released. In 2011, nothing has changed. Weird Al does manage to sing about the glamor of cheapskate living but as you listen you’ll find that there’s something missing, and that something is charm… Yup, without charm this song isn’t any memorable as the song that preceded it, and that song is “White and Nerdy”. I have always imagined they would focus on the card the same they they focused on the card based on the line in the song like in that “White and Nerdy” video. Watching that video now, I see that they did that exact thing, so my prediction was right; and I feel so gilly for it.

12. STOP FORWARDING THAT CRAP TO ME
Alpocalypse ends with what I find to be a great diversion. Alfred finally diverges from the sounds of today and takes on a style parody of Jim Steinman. The result, the best song on the album. This is the Weird Al that you’re used to. You can feel the laughs and the sympathy as you listen to Weird Al’s displeasure with the crap that he gets in his email, it’s that good! The way he changes up the instrumental makes the parody even more effective and provides a really nice surprise to the song itself. Now if only the rest of Alpocalypse was like this.

FINAL THOUGHTS: “Weird Alfred” Yankovic finds himself 5 years too late and as a result, finds himself in an era where he finds himself out of place with his surroundings. As such, he tries his best to adapt to the situation and finds himself mostly missing the mark in tons of spots (save for a few.) Most of the songs lack the impact and the memorability that older Weird Al songs had and there is a lack of variety in both the songs he’s parodying, the artists he is parodying and the subject matter as well. You know, back then it was better when he was just making albums on his own accord; he didn’t have to worry about relevance or whether or not his songs would appeal to anybody. Today, with YouTube and the fact that anybody can parody a song; he has convinced himself that he needs to compete and appeal to the internet culture (seeing as how it’s the culture that controls which is famous or not.). In my opinion; Weird Al needs to get back to using the internet to release songs as he comes up with them as he did with “Whatever You Like” while releasing albums at appropriate times to parody various era’s.

BUY OR BURN: Burn this one Weird Al fans. There are some good songs in this one but as a complete package, there is really no need to own this album.

BEST TRACKS: CNR (if you like the lyircs), Polka Face, Craigslist, Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me

I mean I get that society is constantly changing but in this day in age; we’ve got the internet, we’ve got 14 year old kids on the internet posting stupid crap that people seem to eat up and then we’ve got people who just try so hard to matter, try so hard to be cool and just fail at it. And these people are the ones forming the internet culture, also known as the realm of weird, stupid, and blatant. I mean we’ve got pictures of “lolcats”, shitty rage comics that I always somehow see on reddit (owned by Conde Nast Digital.) caption pictures, “verticals”, and signs of win, fail and epic. I mean seriously, there is alot of crap out there like this produced by people who try way to hard and they just eat it up. Hey, I’m not the kind of person to include “LOL” or “oh hai” into my posts, nor am I the one to monetize crap that 4chan has created (or say that everything is “awesome” and “epic”, man do I hate those terms and the way people are using it; it just makes everything look whorish.), nor do I fall to those memes that the media perpretraited.

Like with Rebecca Black, maker of the hit viral song “Friday” (which other people have produced and written) and the latest popular thing on the internet, which is thanks to Michael J. Nelson and that Tosh.0 guy on Comedy Central… Who I assume posted this because they thought she creating “the worst song in history” or so we thought. Yes they’re criticizing the video, the lyrics, basically anything due to the fact that well… Her video is both good and horrible at the same time (if that was just possible.) and I don’t see what the big deal is about her (and thousands of internet memes out there, not to say a few make sense.) If these two guys hadn’t posted it in their blog then we would of never heard of her and her video would just lay dormently with only a couple hundred or thousands of views. Which brings me to my point, most of these internet memes are only famous because the most famous blogs bring it to the uneducated masses, I can assure you that if something ended up on TMZ or one of the blogs on that vile “Cheezeburger Network” which just happens to be the producer of all the “memes” you see on the internet; then you’ll be hearing about it within seconds.

Both of the sites I listed are only part of a ring that contribute the worst in culture, that ring also includes most of AOL and Grawker and the entirety of NBC Universal (there may be more but I can’t think of any at the moment); sure, I may watch some of their TV channels and look at some of their sites but I’m focusing on the stuff that contributes to culture, so that doesn’t matter much to me. Most of these companies use their sources of media to influence the very fabric of culture, those in the ring are the worst offenders. I mean really; whoever thought of allowing Comcast to own NBC Universal is out of their freaking minds, I mean they already own some of the worst channels which put out trash that people manage to like, and they have the mindset of a 1930′s millionare who’s mean and snobby all because he has money (this shows in their piss poor customer service and almost monopolistic like behavior.) Buying NBC Universal and then removing the space from it just makes them the worst offender; they now have a massive media and news empire (and a couple of theme parks) they can use to influence everybody and anybody, and I just don’t trust Comcast with influencing society/the news, I mean you see what they did to geek/entertainment/style culture didn’t you? (There are FCC roadblocks but I think they’re very inefficient, rediciolously even. It’s only a matter of time before Comcast finds a way to use NBC Universal to it’s advantage while getting around the roadblocks.)

There is also News Corp which is also a horrible offender but much has been said about them on the internet so I’ll let it be.

Anyways, these corporations choose which stuff is hot and which stuff ultimately gets left in the dust bin. They can choose what goes on the front page, who becomes famous, who gets to make a million dollars (because the world revolves money, which is the main problem which can never be fixed.) The fact that we rely so much on these sources is a part of society’s downfall because we have to rely on notable websites in order to find out what’s hot, like a baby with his pacifier. And the content creators suffer because they have to worry about creating something that’ll get a lot of views, that’ll take advantage of current events and that’ll get a lot of money. Most of which is appearing on YouTube (with shit like TheFineBros. that guy who rants with stupid transitions and stuff, and those doing stupid stuff that’ll get a lot of views.). I appreciate those who take the time to put up a quality product (like that Left 4 Dead painting I saw where the children are fighting child zombies) but mainly most of YouTube and the internet contains of crap that stupid people and people trying to look cool will obviously like, which is the problem when you let the mainstream dictate what you like, I don’t let the world tell me what to like and I certainly don’t let the stuff influence the stuff I say or create.

I also don’t want to worry about creating stuff that the people should like; which brings me to why I don’t listen to mainstream radio anymore; the reason being that most of the stations are controlled by companies that have strict standards (companies such as Clear Channel and Cumulus.) You want to know the reason why radio is dead, it’s because they’re playing that stupid electro-pop stuff that is easily producible, sounds mostly the same and is easily disposable. Compared to those indie bands, I’m thinking they’ve thrown musical integrity out of the window in an attempt to make a popular song that will get stuck in peoples heads and onto their playlists as their favorite songs (easily the most shallowest songs ever.); and due to the power of payola (thanks to the major music companies UMG, EMI, Sony and WMG, who are also at fault because they’re the ones who can ensure that your shit gets radio play, and all for the signing away of a few rights and a guarantee that your albums will move units,  least you want to be kicked out into the cold.), they can ensure that that song will be played over and over and over again. (see the problem with money? Once you get a lot of it, it changes you, makes you really immoral.) Clear Channel stands out in the fact that you can upload your music to them and they’ll possibly play it on the radio station (or an New Music channel that can only be received by buying a useless HD Radio receiver.) if it’s good (read: shitty.) enough. The fact that I have to sit there and wonder (will Clear Channel play it? does it have a political message? does it speak out against democrats or republicans? does it have offensive subject matter?) about those questions just pisses me the fuck off, I have artistic integrity and I am not about to compromise that for a radio company that controls the rocker and black demographics, strip the soul out of an oldies station and lean heavily towards republican with their affiliation with Fox News. (Yes, I know it’s News Corp. but I watch some of their stuff; I will never watch Fox News or any of those news channels though.)

Another thing; the internet has grown to the point where it kills all kinds of culture that previously had a uniqueness. Take for instance the geek culture, I used to be a geek but I revoked the title myself due to the fact that being a geek or nerd is nothing special ever since other people have flooded the internet with their “prowess” and “geek wisdom“. Please, any person can take a camera and take an image; any person can take a microphone and talk about technology; any person can even review technology gadgets; any person can create tweets that they think is clever but it takes a master to make a great photo or a great podcast; and the quote that I said doesn’t even matter now that everybody is dumbing themselves down for this audience of self-proclaimed geeks who talk in lowercase and seem to have come out of the wrong side of the womb in terms of intellectual conversation. (not to say that many geeks aren’t intelligent, most of the new ones aren’t though.) I swear everything has to rely so much on flashy graphics and imaging to lure the general public into listening to people who barely know anything about what they’re talking about and have a ridiculously huge ego (which ends up making them look like hacks.) and there are more of these people then there are actual geeks who know about this stuff; which there were many of a long time ago. Back then it used to be about technology now it’s mostly about the coverage of cellphones, gadgets, social media sites, web apps and the occasional big event to break up the monotony. You barely get to see actual technology anymore.

Point I’m making is that society as we know it has been dumbed down with all of this technology and shit is that it’s killing it; I blame it on the fault of these parents who don’t raise their kids right and teach them about how hard the real world can be, which is the downside to everything as they choose to ignore reality and focus on themselves rather then face reality. I swear the internet is bringing out the worst egos in people and I have trouble seeing past the egos, makes me respect the person even less; not that there are many people out there worth giving my respects to, the only people I’m going to respect are those who can produce top-quality shit and those who mean something in this world instead of just dodeling off trying to become an “internet superstar”, which is pointless in my opinion. What’s worse is that society is starting to rely more on this technology to the point where we can watch the newest movies at our own home for highly inflated prices, that all of our books will be uploaded to digital and the resulting pages will be burned away (if they were ever foolish enough to think that digital technology would be reliable; what happens when an EMP bomb drops all over the US, all of the data would be lost!), that all of the old ways are obsolete and we should the newer ways are better. (this is true for Hulu, Netflix, Gamefly, travel sites, not so much for the other stuff.) Hey, I’m a big user of technology as the other man but I fear that are usage will turn into our biggest flaw that will bring upon our downfall; and with the way society is killing itself, I predict it’ll be very soon.

Fast forward to a few years later; we’ve got Facebook, we’ve got YouTube, we’ve even got Twitter. While that has revolutionized the way people has communicate, it has also revolutionized the way contest providers are able to force extra requirements on people who want to enter the contest. Sure it may work for them but it makes people on the other end look kind of whorish, which brings me to my point. I had entered in a contest that required me to like each of their respective pages, post a comment on their respective posts and share the video on my Facebook page. While other people told me that I had an option otherwise, I had posted too many posts to just throw it all away at this point so I had to do it.

Fast forward to now; the contest is over and I lost. Eh, the most important thing is that I now get to air out my feelings about the whole thing they’re trying to force people to do these steps that in my opinion, feels like a cheap way to get people to know about their Facebook pages. That or it’s something else entirely, I don’t know. What I do know is that Facebook consists mainly of real people and those people have rights to share anything they want and like anything they want, and I get that they have the right to enter a contest and like those respective pages but that doesn’t make it right.

I mean just imagine if you had a lot of friends (because a higher number obviously means much more then the quality of your friends on Facebook, or if you know them on a deeper level.). Now imagine that you did those steps those contest require you to do with some shared content you thought were interesting. Sure, the minority of friends might find it interesting but the majority of your friends might not find it interesting at all, in fact that might be pissed off that you posted an advertisement in your wall, even though it’s supposed to be an interesting contest. See, the wall is mainly for sharing stuff that you find interesting and sharing small details of your life, not primarily for advertising. Sure, liking the pages might be fine but… Wait, there’s a problem with that too.

Another purpose of Facebook is obviously for companies advertising/getting the word out about their brands and/or products, and while it’s okay for you to like products you actually use/like, it’s not okay for us to be forced to like something (even if it is awesome as shit.) We shouldn’t be required to like something just to be entered into a contest, we should be able to choose what we like; and sure, this might help get the word out but it’s a very poor way to get the word out. I mean legitimate fans of the brand will share anything interesting provided, will post on the wall of their brand praising that particular product, if there are thousands of people liking the company just because of a contest and not because they’ve actually tried or purchased the products in general then it doesn’t bode well for potential customers now does it (Hint: Most of these people only want to win.).

Besides, the whole thing just feels dirty as hell. Trust me, once you like their pages, comment on their posts and share their links, then you’ll realize how dirty it is; and all for a chance to win a contest, the odds of which will likely be against you (unless you’re really, really lucky.). How dirty is it, well it just feels like whoring; and I am ashamed that they’re treating the people who sign up for contest as whores. I mean we all think that these companies are interesting but that gives them no right for them to force us to share the content unless we really like the content so much.

I swear they’ve got to find better ways of increasing brand recognition on Facebook; forcing people to go through all these steps is not the way to do it.

Now I may be the 1,285,322,480^th person to complain about this but I have to blog it out (to make sure my $100 that goes towards this site is justified). Where the hell are they hiring these people and why aren’t they training them better. I mean every time I go into a Best Buy or a Rent-A-Center (there may be more stores but the two are just examples.) I meet people who are either untrained, inexperienced or are just being payed too much for their jobs (causes them to slack off), these people give me a feeling that maybe I shouldn’t trust this store, maybe I shouldn’t shop here. Because if those commercials with the Geek Squad are any indication, then every Best Buy should have exclamatory staff. But they don’t.

It also makes me think, why should I shop here? Why should I waste my time and money with poor service? The answer I’m guessing is because we want to get our stuff as quickly as possible. I agree, we can get our stuff online (I do, I can manage the wait somewhat.) but getting stuff as quickly as possible is just an established part of life, one which fuels a lot of the corporate fat cats pockets. I mean if these corporations care about money then why stop at hiring shitty employees, why not stock less of what people really want? Oh wait, some places already did that. This is one of the reasons I like shopping online, because they have a wider array of stuff that I can’t normally get without driving miles and miles and miles. Hell if you go into a Best Buy and you look for something that you want, there’s a likely chance that they won’t have it (except for TV’s, some monitors, video games, music, and computers for the home user.) or they won’t understand what you’re looking for.

I’ve been a bit off topic ranting about Best Buy for a while but back to on-topic. If these places don’t have staff that are up to the task of answering my questions and if they can’t exactly give me what I want then I’m not doing business with them at all, the following advice can apply to you too. I’m tired of these places flaunting high-end stuff yet not having staff who know how this high-end shit works, there needs to be change about how stores hire their employees and there needs to be a change with stores that don’t carry alot of stuff in the first place. I know that this blog post may not inspire the change but I’m sure the 3,549,850,372^nd blog post will. And with this, I’ve officially cleared my system of stress.

You can see just from a picture of Sarah Palin that she’s not fit the country.

This is your future president, a skimpy chick.

In my opinion, she’s underskilled, a convulsive liar and one that’ll use this position for personal gain. In her ongoing days as a Fox News correspondent (which I don’t watch fortunately), she has lied about basically anything in order to support her agenda. While it’s a known fact that everybody has an hidden agenda, she just says anything that she wants and nobody questions it; possibly because now that she has a reality show, she is automatically famous (the Kardashian effect, which has made E! unwatchable white trash.) Not only that but when it comes time for her to sit in that presidents chair and make important choices that’ll change America forever, she’ll just break down and order that we invade some random country that has some high-paying resource that’ll make the rich richer, but not before blowing up the new World Trade Center to make the war justifiable. (No offense to the 9/11 victims, that was a deadly tragedy that no one will ever forget.)

I admit, I’ve never even heard of Sarah Palin until she became a running-mate with John McCain, that’s how obscure she was. Ever since she’s been McCain’s running mate, her popularity has exploded to the point where she resigned as Alaska govenor, written a book and starred in her own reality series on TLC. “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”.

Yup, Sarah Palin’s Alaska consists of 2 hot men, 2 hot chicks and one little girl. Her Alaska has never been more defined then this.

People say this is her political relaunch. I say that it is their attempt to capitalize on Sarah Palin after she became a media darling. I mean why else would you watch this show, to get to know Sarah Palin and her political views? Hell no! You watch it because you like to see people’s weird lives and conflicts (like the Kardashians, who’s fame is unjustified.). I mean if all you get to watch is her cutting down trees and hunting bears and intimate romance then what difference is there at all? We don’t even get to see the kids ambitions and goals and dreams, only their lovelife and their love for their mother. Even Snoop Dogg’s Fatherhood had shown Snoop’s son working for K-EARTH 101, why couldn’t Sarah Palin do the same.

There’s also the possibility that the media could therefore work in her favor and therefore garner her the winning votes. I mean she’s been gaining traction due to a “social media campaign” (reason it’s in quotes because I doubt that it’s a social media campaign at all.) and potentially the media could overlook all of her flaws and just focus on the things that make her so great. I mean forget her policies, focus on Sarah Palin! Who gives a shit about politics when all we’re going to be caring about in 2012 is how good the candidates look. I mean she is going to be running America after all. I swear people should stop listening to the media and just use common sense.

The video above states some of the points that I’m making. She has done some weird shit in the past and she’ll continue to do and say weird shit like this. She’s armed with Facebook and Twitter so she can make all of the comments she wants and no one will question her. Apparently her opinions consist of the regular Republican tirade amplified by 100%. ObamaCare sucks, we need more weapons, we need less taxes, more money for us, more power, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Her opinions are in full effect with the rejection of START is based on the common republican fact that America must be all rich and all powerful (that means having powerful military with the ability to destroy any country that she wants.). Apparently I didn’t know we were at war with other countries except Iran. Again, Obama isn’t living up to the standards that other people put on him but it’s only a matter of time before she runs out of ammunition, and what can she run to for her political ambitions. Why Fox News, the Tea Party and FreedomWorks. Which brings me to number four.

Since she has the Tea Party and FreedomWorks to fall back on, it’s only a matter of time before she is inducted president. I mean the whole Tea Party thing is due to Americans (mainly rich people and some middle class who earn more then other middle class siblings) wanting lower taxes. Lower taxes meaning that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. I apologize if I’m sounding like a broken record but that’s the way Republicans (and now some Democrats unfortunately since they basically made them right.) think. I mean the entire purpose to them is to get power and to decide what is best for America. Apparently they’ve taken the whole American spirit thing way too far now.

The people who are in the Tea Party are basically very uneducated masses who willingly believe the lies propagated by them. I mean we live in America but I don’t care whether they’re demanding too much or my healthcare is apparently going in the shitter. I’m not looking forward to amassing huge amounts of money, therefore the taxes don’t bother me at the least bit. However, these people have been tricked to believe that their America is screwing them and it’s all Obama’s fault. How can everything be Obama’s fault? I swear if a tree goes down, it’s Obama’s fault; violence in Egypt, it’s Obama’s fault. How the fuck can violence in Egypt be the fault of Obama when it is the fault of a Muslim dictator? Obama’s just trying to help.

Anyway, enough about the Tea Party, let’s move on to FreedomWorks which I have to remind everyone isn’t really Free. Same issues here, Less Taxes, Spending is out of control… This is where things get different here, they claim that taxes are at fault for hindering technological progress and the energy prices are going up because of the government. As if the government is behind every price increase and fault there is. We live in a country where every state is separate, the President just dictates global laws and looks out for the best interest of Americans. Every state has it’s own laws, it’s own taxes and it’s own government, they decide how education should matter, they decide how power should be priced. I mean Texas has very few gun laws, California has a strict gun law. See the difference? If the government were really in control then we would have guns in every home or the guns would be banned altogether.

The fact that these people mainly care about power and keeping illegals out of our American country proves they’re not out for the best interest of us living in the country. Don’t be fooled by the red & blue star logo. The site tilts primarily to the red, and so does Sarah Palin.

In my opinion, she’ll be a worst president then Barack Obama is. Even George W. Bush has said she isn’t presidential material, I’m going to keep this short and just say that she’ll bring us further into the recession, spend all of our money on the military, tighten up the boarder so that no “illegals” can get through and ruin international relations with countries outside of the US.

So there you go, 5 reasons why Sarah Palin should never become president of the United States. I get that some of you might have a different opinion and I understand that but this is how I feel and these are my opinions. They may not be 100% accurate but most of them is the truth. I swear if Sarah Palin becomes president, I may have to think about moving to a different country.